As a younger man, I struggled with God's Love for me. I thought He was just waiting to whack me when I did wrong. Though there were different reasons for this, I just didn't really know how to live the Christian Life. If you had asked me, I would have told you that I go to church and I try to be good. Although, I had trusted in Him for Salvation at a young age, that truth didn't translate into a life of trying to follow Him. You don't know what you don't know, and if you are not taught or have a discipler to help you, you can drift along on your own. This is where I found myself. Drifting through life, thinking I was Ok, but knowing that I was missing something. Leaning on my own understanding led to a busted life, not the Abundant Life. Anyone who knew me then, and has know me since, would probably not have known that I was Born Again. If your life never changes and there is no evidence, why would they believe? Unfortunately, I have said and done a lot of things over the years that I am neither proud of and would take back if I could. I have been harsh with co-workers, unloving and unkind. My life didn't look much different from those who did not claim to know Christ. I joined in, and let my speech become filthy along with theirs. Ashamed to admit this to those who know me now, I can honestly say that there has been a change.
As I woke up to His Deep, Unfailing and Unconditional Love for me, my life turned from black and white into the full spectrum of colors and I felt pleasantly surprised that He brought me through. A sinner whose deepest, darkest depths are best kept under His blood, I am now Alive and Awake to continually experience His Grace. Some days, all I want to do is swim in that vast Ocean of Grace. But I must press on...... He gently Loves me into undiscovered truths. As I surrender more and more of my life to Him, I am finding that there were parts of me that I held onto that He desired for me to let go of. As I see that I am better off without some of my attitudes, language and strife, He walks along with me and shows me how much better life can be with Him. These unecessary parts fall off like worn petals from a flower and I barely notice anymore as I walk along enjoying His Abiding Presence.
Knowing that, as a follower of Christ, I am to share the Good News; I slowly start to find my voice. The faint whispers from the depths of my heart are barely audible. I know that He asks for more. There are more opportunities now and yet I find not enough boldness. The conviction is there. Try again. Speak up. Speak clearly now. Some days, I can hardly contain it and it bursts forth, hopefully done with Love and Grace. I wonder and worry about that sometimes. Am I too aggressive, too forceful? I retreat until the next time. I have found it easier to write and maybe this is an easier way for me to express all of this. My life now can be nothing apart from Him and this must be understood or anything else that I say or write will not be understood.
I found myself in church, assured within myself that I had finally exhausted His Love and Grace for me. That there was a line of sin that I could not cross; for beyond that one, He could no longer Love. As if he had a limit to the amount of sins that He could die for – for one human. Lonely, exhausted and beaten down, I walked away. No Hope for this prodigal. No redeeming this life. Not this time. No going back, turning back time to die for these new sins. You have definitely blown it this time. A life of shame and regret would remain that way and so I might just as well live the way I want to. And so I did. – If life trying to live with Him was too hard, life without Him would prove even more so. Everything led to frustration. Everything I thought would save me, all the things I thought that I wanted and needed were nothing but a means to an end. And boy did they end! As we find out, the only thing we need is Him. But it took losing, and losing a lot of things, to cause me to look up to Him. As C.S. Lewis once said “ God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”. So as I was in freefall, I fell into His loving arms and learned the lessons that I wish I had known years before.
Walking along with Him now – stumbling, fumbling as I do, I learn that He will pick me back up as my Loving Father. I am learning and there is a lot of information that comes flooding back now from my childhood Sunday School lessons and verses learned in Awana's. A man of conviction, not quite – Some days it seems that I am standing up for nothing. But His Grace finds me even in those moments. But there is a sweet strangeness in all of this. For I have found a Joy that I never knew before. A Love that will not let me go. A Peace that overwhelms and blows my mind, beyond all of my comprehension. A Listening and Loving Father when I am in need. He has wiped away my tears and held me when I have had no strength, and no one to lean on or talk to. He has provided a hand to hold and a companion to walk through this world with me. A compliment to me and a strength in my weaknesses.
As I look into His Word, the Truth begins to take the place of the lies I have believed for so long. It helps to drain the poison, venom and victriol that I had spewed for so long. It gives me a cause and a reason to fight for Justice. It gives me the wisdom to think of life not only from my selfish thoughts, but to try to think of others and put them first. To place myself in another's shoes and think about how they have to walk, where they live, the things they have to go through. To count the blessings that I do have and not negatively look at all that I don't have and complain. To attempt to be a dispenser of Grace and Truth. To Love others well, even when I would really rather not – even people I don't want to be around. To live a life of compassion towards others, even at the expense of my own time, wants and needs, for life is no longer about me. It is about Him.
For so long, I have lived life pleasing only me. But I have found that there is more, a life well lived is one of sacrifice for others. As I did what I wanted: spoke how I wanted, loved selfishly, tried to make my life as comfortable for me as I could, I did not realize that I was a dead man walking. That this was not life that I was living, but an illusion that I bought into. As I look back, I just shake my head and smile. No time for regrets and dwelling on this dark past. He has given me life, raised this life, pulled me from the grave. I can only live now to make Him known through my life and how I live it. To show a warmth and kindness that I could not have without Him. To smile more and laugh, to enjoy His presence and try to help others find this Unspeakable Joy. To make it clear to others that He lives within me. That this, all of this, is Proof of Life!
As I woke up to His Deep, Unfailing and Unconditional Love for me, my life turned from black and white into the full spectrum of colors and I felt pleasantly surprised that He brought me through. A sinner whose deepest, darkest depths are best kept under His blood, I am now Alive and Awake to continually experience His Grace. Some days, all I want to do is swim in that vast Ocean of Grace. But I must press on...... He gently Loves me into undiscovered truths. As I surrender more and more of my life to Him, I am finding that there were parts of me that I held onto that He desired for me to let go of. As I see that I am better off without some of my attitudes, language and strife, He walks along with me and shows me how much better life can be with Him. These unecessary parts fall off like worn petals from a flower and I barely notice anymore as I walk along enjoying His Abiding Presence.
Knowing that, as a follower of Christ, I am to share the Good News; I slowly start to find my voice. The faint whispers from the depths of my heart are barely audible. I know that He asks for more. There are more opportunities now and yet I find not enough boldness. The conviction is there. Try again. Speak up. Speak clearly now. Some days, I can hardly contain it and it bursts forth, hopefully done with Love and Grace. I wonder and worry about that sometimes. Am I too aggressive, too forceful? I retreat until the next time. I have found it easier to write and maybe this is an easier way for me to express all of this. My life now can be nothing apart from Him and this must be understood or anything else that I say or write will not be understood.
I found myself in church, assured within myself that I had finally exhausted His Love and Grace for me. That there was a line of sin that I could not cross; for beyond that one, He could no longer Love. As if he had a limit to the amount of sins that He could die for – for one human. Lonely, exhausted and beaten down, I walked away. No Hope for this prodigal. No redeeming this life. Not this time. No going back, turning back time to die for these new sins. You have definitely blown it this time. A life of shame and regret would remain that way and so I might just as well live the way I want to. And so I did. – If life trying to live with Him was too hard, life without Him would prove even more so. Everything led to frustration. Everything I thought would save me, all the things I thought that I wanted and needed were nothing but a means to an end. And boy did they end! As we find out, the only thing we need is Him. But it took losing, and losing a lot of things, to cause me to look up to Him. As C.S. Lewis once said “ God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”. So as I was in freefall, I fell into His loving arms and learned the lessons that I wish I had known years before.
Walking along with Him now – stumbling, fumbling as I do, I learn that He will pick me back up as my Loving Father. I am learning and there is a lot of information that comes flooding back now from my childhood Sunday School lessons and verses learned in Awana's. A man of conviction, not quite – Some days it seems that I am standing up for nothing. But His Grace finds me even in those moments. But there is a sweet strangeness in all of this. For I have found a Joy that I never knew before. A Love that will not let me go. A Peace that overwhelms and blows my mind, beyond all of my comprehension. A Listening and Loving Father when I am in need. He has wiped away my tears and held me when I have had no strength, and no one to lean on or talk to. He has provided a hand to hold and a companion to walk through this world with me. A compliment to me and a strength in my weaknesses.
As I look into His Word, the Truth begins to take the place of the lies I have believed for so long. It helps to drain the poison, venom and victriol that I had spewed for so long. It gives me a cause and a reason to fight for Justice. It gives me the wisdom to think of life not only from my selfish thoughts, but to try to think of others and put them first. To place myself in another's shoes and think about how they have to walk, where they live, the things they have to go through. To count the blessings that I do have and not negatively look at all that I don't have and complain. To attempt to be a dispenser of Grace and Truth. To Love others well, even when I would really rather not – even people I don't want to be around. To live a life of compassion towards others, even at the expense of my own time, wants and needs, for life is no longer about me. It is about Him.
For so long, I have lived life pleasing only me. But I have found that there is more, a life well lived is one of sacrifice for others. As I did what I wanted: spoke how I wanted, loved selfishly, tried to make my life as comfortable for me as I could, I did not realize that I was a dead man walking. That this was not life that I was living, but an illusion that I bought into. As I look back, I just shake my head and smile. No time for regrets and dwelling on this dark past. He has given me life, raised this life, pulled me from the grave. I can only live now to make Him known through my life and how I live it. To show a warmth and kindness that I could not have without Him. To smile more and laugh, to enjoy His presence and try to help others find this Unspeakable Joy. To make it clear to others that He lives within me. That this, all of this, is Proof of Life!
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