Lying on the floor under a bed, she cries out to God for help. “How did I get here?” she begins to think to herself. “God, if you are real and if you are there, I need you”. “I cannot live this way anymore”. She has reached that critical moment in life where we must all choose to continue to live our own way or choose the better path of laying down our pride, misguided pursuit of happiness, and the hardest thing to give up, control. She begins to look back over the course of her life and wonder if He was ever there. If He ever cared and if He did, how could he love a messed up woman such as herself.
She was not old enough to remember the men from the local church that came to help her struggling single mother. Providing what they could and caring enough to help someone who had never attended their church. Her father was gone at this time and spent years popping in and out of her life. He wanted to work things out with her mother on his terms. Her mother knew that she needed someone to be there and so she moved on.
The years rolled by and the young girl grew up much as the rest of us did, playing and laughing with friends. Trips to the roller skating rink and the local convenience store were just life as it should be. Except for that nagging feeling that there was more. A mother who did not set many rules due to her own restricted childhood, and boundaries were something rarely defined. The young girl noticed when her friends had to go home at night and some of the things they wanted to do were off limits to her friends. There were rules and the girl wondered why. Structure in her mother's house was not always there and with nothing off limits, the girl and her siblings seemed to find the edge of the law an exciting place to run to. She had friends who would go to church and she wondered to herself what that was all about. A friend told her “Jesus loves you”. She thought to herself, “Who is Jesus and why does He love me?” She had gone to church on occasion at Mamaw's, but rarely found grace from that woman. It was her Papaw, that loved and cared for her and showed her the farm on his tractor. He would bring her family groceries as well. Those days were engraved on her heart, but those visits short-lived.
Then came a new step-father and a new exciting place that the girl had never been to. A different culture that was familiar to her mother because she had grown up there. She got to meet cousins and aunts and uncles, a much different life than what she had been accustomed to. Surrounded by real family, the girl found those first crushes and feelings of love in that place, but the loneliness inside of her never subsided and only seemed to grow through those few years.
A new city and the excitement of a new school brought to the surface hopeful feelings that she might find that love that would cure the loneliness inside of her. She found love with chains on it and thus began a long period of roller coaster highs and lows. A baby at seventeen, leads to whispers and categorizations and so she felt more love in the group she hung out with. Accepted by the folks who lived on the edge, she resigned herself to the thought that this is where she belonged. Two kids, young and in love, fighting like cats and dogs, fighting to make up, fighting for control and fighting to not lose it all. The hangouts became hangups and the distance between them grew further and further apart. It became more and more apparent to her that they did not want the same things out of life. They tried church but for whatever reason it was determined that it was not the answer. Another child, another addiction and what was there in the beginning had dissolved. With nothing left except brokenness, she packed her bags.
Going home to momma's meant that she had failed; another blow to her sinking self-worth. The lifestyle did not change overnight and the friends were all from the same category as before. New place, same results. Trying on God again, she cried out for rescue, in surrender. Trying a new job, she found someone different, but also something familiar. A loneliness inside this person caused her to feel a kindred spirit with him. A man beaten down by life, and failed relationships just as she had experienced. Through the hurt she saw his trust in an object bigger than himself. Someone that he was learning to rely on. Someone that could point the way to the only One that could love her completely and as she had always deserved.
This new-found friendship was just what she needed and to have someone who cared about her despite her past, meant the world to her. She found in him, an acceptance and a love deeper than she could ever have imagined. Somehow, despite his past hurts and failings, he was able to model a love that she had always needed, a love of The Father. Now as she looks back over the course of her life, she can trace that Father's goodness. The things He protected her from, the lines He did not let her cross, and the Love that He brought her to. As she looks back on it now, she can see how she had always been pursued by Grace.
She was not old enough to remember the men from the local church that came to help her struggling single mother. Providing what they could and caring enough to help someone who had never attended their church. Her father was gone at this time and spent years popping in and out of her life. He wanted to work things out with her mother on his terms. Her mother knew that she needed someone to be there and so she moved on.
The years rolled by and the young girl grew up much as the rest of us did, playing and laughing with friends. Trips to the roller skating rink and the local convenience store were just life as it should be. Except for that nagging feeling that there was more. A mother who did not set many rules due to her own restricted childhood, and boundaries were something rarely defined. The young girl noticed when her friends had to go home at night and some of the things they wanted to do were off limits to her friends. There were rules and the girl wondered why. Structure in her mother's house was not always there and with nothing off limits, the girl and her siblings seemed to find the edge of the law an exciting place to run to. She had friends who would go to church and she wondered to herself what that was all about. A friend told her “Jesus loves you”. She thought to herself, “Who is Jesus and why does He love me?” She had gone to church on occasion at Mamaw's, but rarely found grace from that woman. It was her Papaw, that loved and cared for her and showed her the farm on his tractor. He would bring her family groceries as well. Those days were engraved on her heart, but those visits short-lived.
Then came a new step-father and a new exciting place that the girl had never been to. A different culture that was familiar to her mother because she had grown up there. She got to meet cousins and aunts and uncles, a much different life than what she had been accustomed to. Surrounded by real family, the girl found those first crushes and feelings of love in that place, but the loneliness inside of her never subsided and only seemed to grow through those few years.
A new city and the excitement of a new school brought to the surface hopeful feelings that she might find that love that would cure the loneliness inside of her. She found love with chains on it and thus began a long period of roller coaster highs and lows. A baby at seventeen, leads to whispers and categorizations and so she felt more love in the group she hung out with. Accepted by the folks who lived on the edge, she resigned herself to the thought that this is where she belonged. Two kids, young and in love, fighting like cats and dogs, fighting to make up, fighting for control and fighting to not lose it all. The hangouts became hangups and the distance between them grew further and further apart. It became more and more apparent to her that they did not want the same things out of life. They tried church but for whatever reason it was determined that it was not the answer. Another child, another addiction and what was there in the beginning had dissolved. With nothing left except brokenness, she packed her bags.
Going home to momma's meant that she had failed; another blow to her sinking self-worth. The lifestyle did not change overnight and the friends were all from the same category as before. New place, same results. Trying on God again, she cried out for rescue, in surrender. Trying a new job, she found someone different, but also something familiar. A loneliness inside this person caused her to feel a kindred spirit with him. A man beaten down by life, and failed relationships just as she had experienced. Through the hurt she saw his trust in an object bigger than himself. Someone that he was learning to rely on. Someone that could point the way to the only One that could love her completely and as she had always deserved.
This new-found friendship was just what she needed and to have someone who cared about her despite her past, meant the world to her. She found in him, an acceptance and a love deeper than she could ever have imagined. Somehow, despite his past hurts and failings, he was able to model a love that she had always needed, a love of The Father. Now as she looks back over the course of her life, she can trace that Father's goodness. The things He protected her from, the lines He did not let her cross, and the Love that He brought her to. As she looks back on it now, she can see how she had always been pursued by Grace.
RSS Feed
